Digging deeper...

So, the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least!

After being through what Id call a mountaintop experience with God, where things Ive long been waiting for starting to come to fulrition, I seen to have returned to the valley.

God has been so good to me and have been and continue to be so aware of His love for me and His plans being unfolded in my life. This I have seen in the freedom I have found in areas in my life, where I never thought that would be possible. Through getting a job and somewhere to live independently and being well enough to try coming off my anti-depressants.

But for whatever reason(well there are a few!) I have found Christmas really difficult! God has revealed to me areas of hurt from my past that He wants to heal. The temptation is there to get stuck. To get pressed down by this and circumstances that have been so stressful. I have given in at times. I think because I didnt understand what was happening. Why God would let me go through this!

But now I think I do. I think He wants to take me deeper. Back through the valley. Revisit some places(but not stay there this time!) and let Him heal. Its hard here, but also peaceful because I know it will bear fruit and that God is with me. So Im expectant and Im pressing on with Him!

14.07.10

Its time to go
No more excuses
No reasons left to stay
Its time to spread your wings
Trust the wind to carry you
Believe that you can soar
Its time now
But dont miss the moment
When the wind is just right
Dont hide from your destiny
Its a gift waiting for you to unwrap
Dont let fears deadening weight
Pull you back again
'Your free now my darling'
Respond to the sweet whisper of truth
And run with it
Then fly
Its time

Identity Poem-24.03.10

Its lonely searching
For your truest self
Its been hidden so long
You Cant remember what it looks like
In face have I ever known?
Disconnected
Like random particles
You cant remember how they fit together
Hiding
A different mask for every relationship
No-one knows you
Im invisible
I cant find my voice
Break through the silence
When I do
Its hollow
My insides fall apart
I return to the start
I look to who made me
I let Him pass me the pieces
The fragments of myself
That got shattered along the way
I let Him show me where they fit
I explore the possibilities
I visualise the imprint
and learn to step into it

This is where ive been and this is where i am...

So, on the 25th Novemeber 2009 I went to Mercy Ministries in Bradford. MM is a residential programme for young women struggling with life controlling issues. From the age of 16 I struggled with depression. I took anti depressants. I battled with some horrible addictions because I felt hopeless and believed alot of lies satan had told me. I thought alot about death and was desperate for help. But was so trapped behind walls and masks it felt impossible to get the kind of help i really needed. I would have said i was a christian and while I did have salvation, I wasnt free. I wasnt living the free life Jesus died to give me.

I applied to mercy in march 2009 and after graduating in nov from uni, I started on the most incredible journey. It was really, really hard. For the first time i hadto face up to some pretty ugly truths about myself. I had some pretty rubbish attitudes and although i tried to be myself. I could never quite manage it. People struggled to know me. But through alot of hard work and support from some amazing Godly people who really believed in me and were prepared to be real with me and say stuff that hurt, but that I really needed to hear all this started to change. It was a very slow process for me. Kindve like the tortoise and the hair-I was the tortoise! But I can honestly say that the love of God has completely transformed my life! I have a job. I have independce! I have good relationships and I have a personal reltionship with Jesus! Im so in awe and so thankful to Him for what He's done in my life!! All praise to Him!!!

Transformed

So I was thinking of a way I could share my testimony in a way that doesnt give details and names online and is creative... Here it goes...

BEFORE
Pain, death, hopelessness, fear, hours of silence, confusion, shame, lies, despair, isolation, rejection. Trapped in a cycle. Walls. Seperation. Darkness.

Never gave up....


AFTER
Freedom, perfect love casts out all fear, mind renewed by the word of God, eyes to see, deeper revelation of His love, love, love, love, hope, peace, truth, joy, my spirit dances, worship, praise, a life transformed by the love of God! 'You broke every chain and you gave me the keys!!' FREEDOM NEVER FELT SO GOOD!