Digging deeper...

So, the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least!

After being through what Id call a mountaintop experience with God, where things Ive long been waiting for starting to come to fulrition, I seen to have returned to the valley.

God has been so good to me and have been and continue to be so aware of His love for me and His plans being unfolded in my life. This I have seen in the freedom I have found in areas in my life, where I never thought that would be possible. Through getting a job and somewhere to live independently and being well enough to try coming off my anti-depressants.

But for whatever reason(well there are a few!) I have found Christmas really difficult! God has revealed to me areas of hurt from my past that He wants to heal. The temptation is there to get stuck. To get pressed down by this and circumstances that have been so stressful. I have given in at times. I think because I didnt understand what was happening. Why God would let me go through this!

But now I think I do. I think He wants to take me deeper. Back through the valley. Revisit some places(but not stay there this time!) and let Him heal. Its hard here, but also peaceful because I know it will bear fruit and that God is with me. So Im expectant and Im pressing on with Him!

14.07.10

Its time to go
No more excuses
No reasons left to stay
Its time to spread your wings
Trust the wind to carry you
Believe that you can soar
Its time now
But dont miss the moment
When the wind is just right
Dont hide from your destiny
Its a gift waiting for you to unwrap
Dont let fears deadening weight
Pull you back again
'Your free now my darling'
Respond to the sweet whisper of truth
And run with it
Then fly
Its time

Identity Poem-24.03.10

Its lonely searching
For your truest self
Its been hidden so long
You Cant remember what it looks like
In face have I ever known?
Disconnected
Like random particles
You cant remember how they fit together
Hiding
A different mask for every relationship
No-one knows you
Im invisible
I cant find my voice
Break through the silence
When I do
Its hollow
My insides fall apart
I return to the start
I look to who made me
I let Him pass me the pieces
The fragments of myself
That got shattered along the way
I let Him show me where they fit
I explore the possibilities
I visualise the imprint
and learn to step into it

This is where ive been and this is where i am...

So, on the 25th Novemeber 2009 I went to Mercy Ministries in Bradford. MM is a residential programme for young women struggling with life controlling issues. From the age of 16 I struggled with depression. I took anti depressants. I battled with some horrible addictions because I felt hopeless and believed alot of lies satan had told me. I thought alot about death and was desperate for help. But was so trapped behind walls and masks it felt impossible to get the kind of help i really needed. I would have said i was a christian and while I did have salvation, I wasnt free. I wasnt living the free life Jesus died to give me.

I applied to mercy in march 2009 and after graduating in nov from uni, I started on the most incredible journey. It was really, really hard. For the first time i hadto face up to some pretty ugly truths about myself. I had some pretty rubbish attitudes and although i tried to be myself. I could never quite manage it. People struggled to know me. But through alot of hard work and support from some amazing Godly people who really believed in me and were prepared to be real with me and say stuff that hurt, but that I really needed to hear all this started to change. It was a very slow process for me. Kindve like the tortoise and the hair-I was the tortoise! But I can honestly say that the love of God has completely transformed my life! I have a job. I have independce! I have good relationships and I have a personal reltionship with Jesus! Im so in awe and so thankful to Him for what He's done in my life!! All praise to Him!!!

Transformed

So I was thinking of a way I could share my testimony in a way that doesnt give details and names online and is creative... Here it goes...

BEFORE
Pain, death, hopelessness, fear, hours of silence, confusion, shame, lies, despair, isolation, rejection. Trapped in a cycle. Walls. Seperation. Darkness.

Never gave up....


AFTER
Freedom, perfect love casts out all fear, mind renewed by the word of God, eyes to see, deeper revelation of His love, love, love, love, hope, peace, truth, joy, my spirit dances, worship, praise, a life transformed by the love of God! 'You broke every chain and you gave me the keys!!' FREEDOM NEVER FELT SO GOOD!

This video/God through this video changed my life! (I really need to be reminded of it today!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmzuPLBot5Q

I know God is good. I know He has so much for me. But today is hard. Today I feel battered and bruised by life. But I know I can run straight to His arms of love. x

Do you see it?

I was walking round York taking pictures of all my favourite places and I saw this building. I dont know what happened. I dont know why its so derilict. But I felt God say, do you see it? I felt like it was a metaphor for things going on in our world that break Gods heart. He's been speaking to me alot about justice. At the worship central conference especially. I believe He's challenging me and others to do something about it! Are we gonna politely turn the other way because its a bit uncomfortable and costly to us to look or are we going to do something about it? This isnt intended to get at anyone, I speak to myself really. What am I going to do about it?

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

 ¹ “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
   Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
   and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
² For day after day they seek me out;
   they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
   and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
   and seem eager for God to come near them.
³ ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
   ‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
   and you have not noticed?’    “Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
   and exploit all your workers.
⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
   and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
   and expect your voice to be heard on high.
⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
   only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
   and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
   a day acceptable to the LORD?
 ⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

   and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

   and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry

   and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe them,

   and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
   and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
   and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
   you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
   “If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
   with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
   and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
   and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
   he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
   and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
   like a spring whose waters never fail.
¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

   and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

   Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

 ¹³ “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
   and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
   and the LORD’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
   and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,
   and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
   and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

How to kill a living thing and how to bring a dead thing to life-03.03.10

Lock it away
Behind high walls
Away from prying eyes
Shielded from words
That pierce and penetrate
Entwine themselves in the soil and roots
The people invited in
Who trampled on its flowers
Keep it a secret
Let it be forgotten
Let no-one enjoy its beauty
Pick at it
Churn up its soil
Destroy your favourite parts
Bury its key
Walk away...

...Return with another key
Unlock it
Bring some friends
Break down the walls
Stand together
See its potential
Salvage it
Throw a garden party
Play music and soak in its fragrance
Celebrate its beauty
Expand its borders
Sow more seeds
Build a fence
With an open gate
Return there often

I Choose life-03.12.09

I stand at my life's crossroads
It's hard in this moment
The realisation of responsibility
Holding the precious pieces of destiny
Daring to surrendour the fear
That with one slip, they will shatter
And the dream, like the first taste of honey
Will be lost
There is the path I know so well
Etched into every corner of my mind
The darkness
A blanket that hugs my soul
The silent whispers that intoxicate me
Over and over
The easy way, so well worn
But there is another path
It echoes steadily in my mind
Like a memory from childhood
Where tall grass grows
I hear the whisper of the voice
That commanded my life to be
I see a glimpse of pure light
I choose life

Vulnerability

Vulnerability. How vulnerable am I prepared to be? How vulnerable is ok? Still things Im pondering and are a steep learning curve for me. I often want to verbalise my feelings in the heat of the moment. But obviously thats not always helpful and leaves me feeling really vulnerable. I have doubts about myself and they always heighton when Ive just beared my soul to the world! Or the artificial facebook world! :S

But something a wise guy once told me was that vulnerability/wearing your heart on your sleeve is ok, as long as you learn to deal with the vulnerability. People always have the opportunity to oppose you. There's always the chance you'll get it wrong. But if you only own what belongs to you and learn to let the other stuff go, you can deal with that.

Ok, so this is me. Im a bit of a mess somethimes. I make mistakes. I say the wrong things. But I know who I am. I am a duaghter of the king of heaven and He absolutely adores me. :)

The Value of Creativity

I thought this might be a good place to start. Why is creativity important to me? Why do I value it?
Firstly, I think it comes from God. I think its a gift and one I feel blessed and privilaged(sp?) to have. I also think its something to pass on to others. I think it makes a difference somehow.

Also, for me personally I think it gives me a voice to express things that I cant really express so easily in words, especially through music and worship. I think there's a transition somehow from a place that can be hard and painful to something better. Through creating something rather than becoming stuck in the struggles and hardships that life can bring, I find an outlet and a sense of acievement. I feel I am starting to fulfill God's call on my life.

I think there are precious moments of beauty in this world and we need to have eyes to see them. I went for a walk the other week in the sunshine and decided to take some photos. Im not really a photographer and have never been into it in a big way. But I really got something through doing it. There were some breathtaking moments of enjoying Gods creation and was stunned by the beauty I saw.

A passion I have is to use Music to help people. I not sure exactly what form that will take yet. I think giving hurting and broken people an outlet for their pain and giving them the chance to create something better out of that place would be an incredible privilage. I dont know exactly what my future looks like, but I have faith it will be good, because God is in it.

Initial Thoughts

Just thought Id give this a go. See where it goes... Ive got alot of creative ideas and thoughts going on at the moment. Alot of things Ive learnt. I probably wont share everything on here. But we shall see...

I am Emma

21-01-10

I am no longer whatever you say I am
I am a child of God
I am accepted as I am
Where I am
Without the need to please
To fake a smile
I have my own style
I am unique
I am exactly who God made me to be
I am daring myself to be real
It may not always appeal
But thats ok
I am no longer the girl with nothing to say
I choose to embrace my identity
To rip off the straight jacket of society
I am Emma