Random Ramblings at 2.20 am

I can't sleep. Thinking about..... Curry! What if curry was your favourite food? You loved curry. Every birthday and Christmas you would go to your favourite Indian restaurant and eat... Pickle tray to start, then mixed kebabs, onion bajis, then a rich creamy Passanda with Naan Bread!

Then one day you found that there was a serious shortage of Curry. You found some Curry but you knew you and these curries weren't right for each other. But over time you realised that everyone else seemed to still be enjoying Curry and found the perfect curry for them. Everyone around you was eating Curry and you could smell it, but there was no curry for you. You kept telling yourself that this was due to the curry shortage.

You went to different places in the hope that Curry wasn't so scarce in other places. Only to find the same lack of this particular Indian cuisine.

Some of your friends who had struggled to find Curry had started to eat Italian instead. This was considered unwise by many Curry lovers but there was always the hope that these Pizzas or Lesagnes could become an equally good version of Curry. And with the shortage of Curry didn't it make sense for them to try Italian, with the potential of becoming Curry?! Rather than wait out your entire existence without curry!

Another problem was that some Curries could leave a bad taste in your mouth which put you off eating the curry that part of you still craved. You wondered if curry would ever taste the same again. Sometimes you thought about what your perfect Curry day would be like, Evan planning it down to the last detail. Some of your friends started to say well maybe you'll never eat curry again. Maybe focus on other kinds of food. After all there's more to life that curry. But deep down you know, that right curry must be out there. You would rather go on believing than accept that you may never find curry.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! I read an article yesterday that really spoke to me, an article by Vicky Beaching on Valentines Day. I wanted to write this post to reflect on some of that, but also some of my own thoughts. She talked about four types of love used in Greek. Can't remember them all, but the one that sticks in my mind is agape love! Jesus unconditional love. That is what I want to reflect on today. We are all loved! Jesus love is universal, it creates unity, it breaks down Walls, it reminds us we are adopted, we are chosen.

I can't pretend I don't struggle with today. I admire people like Vicky Beeching who say there ok with the single thing. That they want to be single for now. That isn't me. I can't pretend I'm ok with it and that I don't have lots of questions. I don't understand why love comes so easily to some and others haveto wait and wonder if it will ever happen for them. Why there seems to be such a lack of Christian men in our churches. But I want to at least try to focus on Agape love today and remember that I am not rejected. I am loved.

Creativity Continued

Think I posted on this in my early blogging days, but thought it wouldn't hurt to post on it again! I love creativity! It's God given! A beautiful way of expressing worship to Him!
It can take many different forms as I am finding!

I remember going to Spring Harvest in 2008 and being away by the creativity that was happening in the worship and the preaching! It painted a picture for me of how our lives are a vibrant tapestry crafted by God! There is so much richness and depth to it! God is calling men and women to paint pictures, write poems and songs, dance, sing, make music, to bring glory to Him to show this vibrant picture of who God is to our world!

Social Action and Creativity

Decided to post about some things that have really been on my heart lately.

Firstly Gods been really stirring my heart for justice and social action. I feel like He's been opening my eyes to things I was closed to before. Feel challenged and that I'm being changed as God opens my eyes more to the needs of others, particularly the homeless in our town, but also human trafficking, which I knew nothing about until recently and it happens such a huge scale! 27 million slaves worldwide!

God has been challenging about my own personal prejudices that sometimes hold me back from helping those in need. Also that while my own issues and struggles are important to Him, they shouldn't be my only focus. When I consider the needs that people have and the gifting god has given me, it really puts my own problems into perspective and challenges me to respond to Gods calling to us all, wherever were at, where we can, to serve the lost and broken people of this world.

Secondly, creativity... God has been stirring my heart to be creative in my life, in worship...

Some more thoughts... What does mental health look like for me.

Firstly... My issues are not who I am. I never want them to define me. But they are something I experience.

Depression has been described as the dark night of the soul. For me... Imagine being really, really tired and not being able to shake that tiredness off. Imagine being tired in every way. Imagine your thoughts being jumbled, confused, out of context. Not knowing where to put things. Imagine seeing life. Seeing happiness and theres a temporary wall that separates you from it. In those moments you can't break through yourself. You feel stuck. You feel trapped. God as much as you love him and are living for him and know his word to be true. In those moments, he feels like a distant memory. Like a distant friend. You feel separated. That is how depression can feel for me.

But a final thought. There is always hope. God has always made a way for me. These moments have less of a hold then they usedto. They are often followed by deep peace and clarity again. God is restoring me. He is redeeming me. So there is always hope.

Christianity and mental health! The great taboo!

So... Mental health! Just wanted to share my thoughts. My wrestlings on this issue.
Firstly it's a tough one and there are no easy answers! I guess I can only attempt to give my own perspective. As someone who has suffered from depression and battled addictions on and off, particularly self harm and occasionally drinking.

I left mercy ministries with perhaps a naive belief that I was completely free and I would never struggle again. While I'm not saying that can't happen and it isn't awesome when it does! What I have come to realise is that, while I am moving forward, life isn't always that simple. What mercy did for me was believe in me and give me the tools to outwork freedom and transformation. So while My relationship with god is great and my life is changing and amazing things have happened. Perhaps controversially, I'm still experiencing depression and battling to overcome old behaviours. I wish this wasn't the case. But that's the reality.

I don't say this to burden anyone who reads this. I know gods got me. I have the support of a gp and councillor and wonderful friends. Just to acknowledge and give some insight into my own experIences.

2011

2011: So much to say about this year, good and bad. What can I say? I guess it feels like a year of paradoxes to me. A year of change and breakthrough, contrasted with many trials, many questions without answers as Tim Hughes would say. A year of falling apart. But realising that in the falling apart God can rebuild, remake, restore and heal. I have got to know Jesus in a way I never have be for. He is my personal saviour, my best friend, my redeemer and restorer. Sometimes it takes something desperate, a Hannah moment(1samuel) for change and breakthrough. I have faced many battles, spiritually and emotionally.

I came to the decision a few weeks ago to start fasting and praying. It has been so worthwhile. I have never heard god speak so clearly to me and have never been so close to him. As a wise Christian lady once said to me. It is ok to fall apart with Jesus.

So looking to 2012. I am expectant. I am hoPeful. I don't think it will be without trials. The world can be a dark, dark place. But Jesus is the light of the world and nothing can put that light out. Nothing can separate us from the love of god in chest Jesus our lord!